How do you honour your parents when their actions have caused pain, neglect, or even harm?
Introduction: Honouring Parents in Difficult Circumstances
The Bible commands us to “Honour your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12), a principle that sounds straightforward—until it’s not. What happens when the people who were supposed to love, protect, and guide you instead brought pain, neglect, or harm into your life? For many, this commandment feels impossible to follow under such circumstances.
If you’ve ever struggled with this, you’re not alone. Wrestling with this commandment can stir up feelings of hurt, anger, or confusion. How can you honour parents who were absent or abusive? Does honouring them mean excusing their behaviour or pretending the pain didn’t happen? These are real and valid questions, and the good news is that God doesn’t leave us without answers.
In this post, we’ll explore what the Bible truly means by “honour” and how it applies in situations where your parents have caused harm. You’ll discover biblical guidance, practical ways to navigate these challenges, and the hope of healing through God’s love and grace. Let’s journey together toward understanding and peace.
What Does ‘Honour’ Really Mean?
When we think of the word “honour,” we might associate it with obedience, respect, or admiration. But the biblical concept of honour is deeper and more nuanced, especially in the context of the commandment, “Honour your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12). Understanding what God means by “honour” can help us apply this commandment, even in difficult circumstances.
1. Honour Reflects God’s Design for Relationships
The Hebrew word for “honour” used in Exodus 20:12 is “kabed”, which means “to give weight to” or “to treat with significance.” This isn’t about agreeing with everything your parents do or excusing harmful behaviour. It’s about acknowledging the role God gave them in your life and treating that role with respect.
Key Verse:
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honour your father and mother’—which is the first commandment with a promise.” (Ephesians 6:1-2)
2. Honor Doesn’t Mean Blind Obedience
The Bible calls us to honour our parents, but that doesn’t mean following them into sin or tolerating harmful actions. In Acts 5:29, we see the principle that we must “obey God rather than men.” If honouring your parents conflicts with obeying God, His commands take precedence.
Key Insight:
Honoring parents means treating them with dignity and respect where possible, but never at the expense of your faith or well-being.
3. Honour Is Rooted in Love, Not Approval
Honouring your parents doesn’t mean approving of their actions or pretending everything is fine. Instead, it means showing love and grace, even if they’ve fallen short of their responsibilities. 1 Corinthians 13:7 reminds us, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
Practical Example:
You might honour an absent parent by speaking kindly about them or praying for their well-being, even if they weren’t present in your life.
4. Honour Can Involve Setting Boundaries
If your parents were abusive or neglectful, honouring them might involve establishing healthy boundaries to protect yourself. Boundaries are not dishonouring; they help prevent further harm while allowing space for healing. Romans 12:18 says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.”
Practical Insight:
Sometimes, honouring parents means limiting contact or ensuring interactions happen in safe and controlled environments.
5. Honour Reflects God’s Grace
When we choose to honour our parents, even in challenging circumstances, we reflect God’s grace and mercy. God calls us to forgive and extend love, just as He has forgiven and loved us. Colossians 3:13 reminds us, “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”
Important Note:
Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing sin or forgetting the past. It’s about releasing bitterness and trusting God to bring justice and healing.
A Balanced Approach to Honour
Honouring your father and mother isn’t about excusing harm or forcing reconciliation. It’s about treating them with the dignity God calls us to show all people, while also prioritizing obedience to Him and protecting your well-being. This balanced approach allows you to follow God’s commandment while navigating complex relationships with wisdom and grace.
Understanding the Context of the Commandment
The command to “Honour your father and mother” (Exodus 20:12) was given in a specific cultural and biblical context. Understanding this context can shed light on its deeper meaning and how it applies to us today, even in difficult circumstances.
1. The Commandment’s Original Audience
When God gave the 10 Commandments to the Israelites, He was establishing a covenant with His chosen people. Families were central to Israelite society, and honoring parents was crucial for maintaining order, respect, and unity within the community.
- “Honour your father and mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you.” (Exodus 20:12)
This promise of longevity and blessings underscores how honouring parents was linked to stability and God’s blessings for the nation as a whole.
2. The Role of Parents in Biblical Times
In ancient Israel, parents had the responsibility of teaching their children about God’s laws and leading them in righteousness. Honouring parents wasn’t just about respecting their authority—it was about acknowledging their role in passing down God’s wisdom.
- “Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.” (Deuteronomy 6:7)
When parents fulfilled this role, honouring them was a natural expression of gratitude and respect for their spiritual guidance. But even when parents fell short, the commandment still called for an attitude of honour because of the position they held.
3. Honour as a Reflection of Honouring God
The commandment to honour parents is ultimately tied to our relationship with God. Respecting earthly authority figures reflects our reverence for God’s authority. However, this doesn’t mean tolerating abuse or sin—our first loyalty is always to God.
- “Submit yourselves for the Lord’s sake to every human authority.” (1 Peter 2:13)
When earthly authorities, including parents, fail to reflect God’s character, our honour must take a different form—one that prioritizes obedience to God while still treating others with dignity.
4. The Challenges of Sinful Humanity
God’s design for family relationships was perfect, but sin entered the world and distorted those relationships. This means that not all parents fulfil their God-given role, and some may cause harm instead of providing love and guidance.
- “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)
Acknowledging the reality of sin helps us understand why the commandment can be so difficult to follow in certain circumstances. It also points us to God’s grace, which enables us to navigate these challenges with His wisdom and strength.
5. Jesus’ Example of Honouring Parents
Jesus Himself provides a model for how to honour parents, even in imperfect circumstances. He respected and cared for His earthly parents, Mary and Joseph, while remaining fully obedient to His heavenly Father. Even on the cross, Jesus ensured that His mother would be cared for:
- “When Jesus saw His mother there, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to her, ‘Woman, here is your son,’ and to the disciple, ‘Here is your mother.’” (John 19:26-27)
Jesus’ example shows us that honouring parents involves love and respect, but always within the framework of obedience to God’s will.
Applying the Commandment Today
In today’s context, honouring parents may look different depending on the situation. For some, it’s about maintaining a close, loving relationship. For others, it may mean forgiving, setting boundaries, or seeking healing for past wounds. No matter the circumstances, the call to honour reflects God’s desire for us to approach all relationships with grace, humility, and love.
What If Your Parents Were Neglectful or Abusive?
Honouring parents is one of the Ten Commandments, but what happens when the people who should have protected and nurtured you caused pain instead? Navigating this commandment in the context of neglect or abuse can feel impossible, but the Bible offers hope, healing, and guidance for even the most challenging relationships.
1. Acknowledge Your Pain
The first step in honouring parents who have hurt you is to acknowledge the pain and allow yourself to process it. God sees your hurt and cares deeply about your healing. He is near to the broken-hearted.
- “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18)
Practical Tip: Don’t suppress or dismiss your feelings. Seek support through prayer, counseling, or trusted friends to process your emotions in a healthy way.
2. Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
Forgiveness is a biblical principle, but it’s not the same as reconciliation. Forgiving your parents means releasing the bitterness and allowing God to handle justice. Reconciliation, on the other hand, requires mutual effort and may not always be possible or safe.
- “Bear with each other and forgive one another… Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
- “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
Practical Tip: Forgiveness is for your own healing, not to excuse the harm done to you. Reconciliation should only happen if it is safe and healthy.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Honouring your parents doesn’t mean enduring abuse or continuing toxic patterns. Setting boundaries is a way to protect yourself while still showing respect. This might involve limiting contact or establishing clear guidelines for interaction.
- “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)
Practical Tip: Pray for wisdom on what boundaries to set, and don’t feel guilty for prioritizing your emotional and physical safety.
4. Honour Through Prayer
Even if you cannot have a close relationship with your parents, you can still honour them by praying for them. Lifting them up in prayer is an act of grace and reflects God’s love for all people, even those who have hurt us.
- “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
Practical Tip: Pray for God’s will in their lives, for their hearts to be softened, and for His healing in your relationship.
5. Choose to Break the Cycle
If you’ve experienced neglect or abuse, you have the opportunity to break the cycle. By living a life rooted in God’s love and truth, you can build healthier relationships and provide the love and care you may not have received.
- “Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:21)
Practical Tip: Focus on creating a legacy of love and faith that reflects God’s redemptive power in your life.
6. Honour Through Your Actions
Sometimes, honouring difficult parents means simply living in a way that reflects God’s grace and character. By forgiving, showing kindness where possible, and choosing not to retaliate, you honour God and fulfil the spirit of the commandment.
- “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32)
Practical Tip: Honour doesn’t require approval or closeness; it means choosing to reflect God’s love in your actions, even from a distance.
Finding Healing in God
Ultimately, the healing you seek won’t come from your parents—it will come from God. He is your perfect Father, who knows every wound and promises to restore and heal.
- “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.” (Psalm 68:5)
Practical Tip: Spend time in prayer and Scripture, allowing God to fill the gaps left by your parents and remind you of your worth as His beloved child.
Honouring parents in the face of neglect or abuse is one of the most challenging calls of faith, but with God’s grace, it is possible to navigate these relationships in a way that brings healing and honours Him.
Honouring Parents Who Weren’t There
For many, the pain of an absent parent—whether due to physical absence, emotional distance, or abandonment—leaves a lasting impact. Honouring parents who weren’t there can feel confusing or even unjust. However, God’s Word offers a way to navigate this with grace and healing.
1. Acknowledge the Loss
The absence of a parent can leave a void that is deeply felt. It’s important to recognize and grieve the loss of what should have been. God invites us to bring our pain to Him, and He promises comfort.
- “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” (Matthew 5:4)
Practical Tip: Take time to process the emotions tied to your parent’s absence, whether through journaling, prayer, or speaking with a trusted friend or counselor.
2. Recognize Their Role in Your Life
Even if a parent wasn’t present, they played a role in your existence. Honouring them doesn’t mean excusing their absence but acknowledging that God used them to give you life.
- “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (Psalm 139:13)
Practical Tip: Focus on gratitude for the life God has given you, even if your parent’s role was minimal.
3. Honour Through Forgiveness
An absent parent may have caused pain or left unanswered questions. Forgiveness is a powerful way to release bitterness and find healing.
- “Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
Practical Tip: Write a letter to your absent parent, even if you never send it, expressing forgiveness and releasing the burden of resentment.
4. Pray for Them
Even if you’ve never had a relationship with your parent, praying for them is a way to honour their role. Prayers for their well-being, salvation, and healing are acts of grace that reflect God’s love.
- “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.” (Matthew 5:44)
Practical Tip: Include your parent in your prayers, asking God to work in their life and bring about His purposes.
5. Live a Life That Honours God
The greatest way to honour absent parents is by living a life that glorifies God. Your story doesn’t have to be defined by their absence—it can be a testimony to God’s redemption and grace.
- “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters.” (Colossians 3:23)
Practical Tip: Focus on building a life that reflects God’s love and faithfulness, even if your parent’s role was limited or non-existent.
6. Seek Fulfillment in God
When a parent’s absence leaves you feeling incomplete, remember that God is your ultimate parent. He fills every gap and offers perfect love, guidance, and care.
- “Though my father and mother forsake me, the Lord will receive me.” (Psalm 27:10)
Practical Tip: Spend time in God’s Word and prayer, allowing Him to meet the emotional and spiritual needs left by your absent parent.
Finding Healing Through Honour
Honouring an absent parent is not about excusing their choices or erasing your pain. It’s about choosing forgiveness, prayer, and a life that reflects God’s love and grace. By honouring them in this way, you free yourself from bitterness and allow God to work in your heart.
Practical Ways to Honour Difficult Parents
Honouring parents who have been difficult, absent, or hurtful can feel overwhelming, but God calls us to reflect His love even in challenging relationships. Here are practical, grace-filled ways to honour difficult parents while protecting your well-being and staying true to God’s Word.
1. Pray for Them
One of the simplest yet most powerful ways to honour your parents is to pray for them. Ask God to work in their hearts, provide healing, and draw them closer to Him.
- “And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests.” (Ephesians 6:18)
Practical Tip: Dedicate a specific time each day to pray for your parents, lifting their needs and your relationship to God.
2. Speak Kindly About Them
Even if your relationship is strained, choosing to speak kindly about your parents honours their position without excusing their behaviour. Avoid gossip or unnecessary criticism.
- “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up.” (Ephesians 4:29)
Practical Tip: If others ask about your parents, focus on neutral or positive aspects, or simply say, “I’m praying for them.”
3. Show Respect, Even from a Distance
Respect doesn’t require agreement or closeness. You can honour your parents by treating them with basic courtesy, even if boundaries are necessary.
- “Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.” (Romans 12:10)
Practical Tip: If contact is limited, consider sending a card or message on special occasions, like birthdays, to show respect without compromising your boundaries.
4. Forgive Them in Your Heart
Forgiveness is essential for your own healing and spiritual growth. While reconciliation may not always be possible, forgiving your parents frees you from bitterness and honours God’s command.
- “Bear with each other and forgive one another… Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” (Colossians 3:13)
Practical Tip: Take time in prayer to release resentment and ask God to help you forgive, even when it’s difficult.
5. Acknowledge Their Humanity
Parents are imperfect humans who make mistakes. Honouring them doesn’t mean overlooking their flaws but recognizing their humanity and the circumstances that shaped their actions.
- “Do to others as you would have them do to you.” (Luke 6:31)
Practical Tip: Reflect on their life experiences and consider how they might have influenced their behaviour, fostering empathy without justifying harm.
6. Set Healthy Boundaries
Honouring difficult parents includes protecting your mental and emotional well-being. Boundaries help maintain safety and foster healthier interactions.
- “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” (Proverbs 4:23)
Practical Tip: Be clear and consistent about your boundaries, and seek guidance from a trusted mentor or counsellor if needed.
7. Honour Them Through Your Actions
Live a life that reflects God’s grace and love. Your obedience to God and your kindness toward others can be a way of honouring your parents, even if your relationship is strained.
- “Let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven.” (Matthew 5:16)
Practical Tip: Let your actions demonstrate the love of Christ, showing honour to your parents indirectly through your faithfulness to God.
8. Seek Reconciliation, If Possible
In some cases, reconciliation may be an option. If both parties are willing to work toward healing, God can restore even the most broken relationships.
- “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” (Romans 12:18)
Practical Tip: Approach reconciliation with prayer, humility, and the guidance of a pastor or counsellor.
Balancing Honour and Healing
Honouring difficult parents doesn’t mean tolerating harm or pretending the past didn’t happen. It’s about choosing forgiveness, respect, and love, even when it’s hard. By doing so, you reflect God’s character and invite His healing into your life.
Finding Healing in God
When parents have caused pain, neglect, or harm, true healing can only be found in God. He is the ultimate source of love, comfort, and restoration, offering what no human relationship ever could. Here’s how to turn to God for healing and wholeness.
1. Acknowledge Your Wounds
Healing begins with honesty. It’s okay to admit the hurt caused by your parents and bring that pain before God. He invites you to share your burdens with Him.
- “Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.” (1 Peter 5:7)
Practical Tip: Spend time in prayer, journaling, or speaking with a trusted counsellor to express your emotions and acknowledge the depth of your wounds.
2. Embrace God as Your Perfect Father
No matter how your earthly parents have failed, God is the perfect parent who loves you unconditionally and provides for your every need.
- “A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His holy dwelling.” (Psalm 68:5)
Practical Tip: Meditate on verses that remind you of God’s fatherly love, like Romans 8:15: “The Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by Him we cry, ‘Abba, Father.’”
3. Allow God’s Word to Heal You
Scripture is a powerful source of healing and encouragement. As you read and meditate on God’s Word, His truth will replace lies and bring peace to your heart.
- “He heals the broken-hearted and binds up their wounds.” (Psalm 147:3)
Practical Tip: Choose specific Bible verses about healing and forgiveness, and write them down or memorize them to reflect on throughout the day.
4. Forgive Through God’s Strength
Forgiveness can feel impossible when the pain runs deep, but with God’s help, you can release bitterness and move toward healing. Forgiveness is not about excusing wrongs—it’s about freeing yourself from their hold.
- “I can do all this through Him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13)
Practical Tip: Pray for God to soften your heart and give you the strength to forgive, even if it’s a daily process.
5. Trust God for Justice
If your parents have caused significant harm, trusting God to bring justice can bring peace. He sees every injustice and will bring accountability in His perfect time.
- “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath.” (Romans 12:19)
Practical Tip: Release the need for revenge or control, and trust God to handle the situation with His perfect wisdom.
6. Find Community and Support
God often uses others to bring healing. Surround yourself with supportive friends, mentors, or a faith community that reflects God’s love and helps you grow in your journey.
- “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way, you will fulfil the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2)
Practical Tip: Seek out a church, small group, or Christian counsellor who can offer encouragement and accountability as you heal.
7. Focus on Your Identity in Christ
Your worth and identity are not defined by your parents’ actions but by who you are in Christ. You are a beloved child of God, chosen and redeemed by His grace.
- “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” (2 Corinthians 5:17)
Practical Tip: Remind yourself daily of your identity in Christ. Speak affirmations like, “I am loved, I am chosen, and I am complete in God.”
Healing Is a Journey
Healing from parental wounds is not an overnight process, but with God, it is possible. He promises to walk with you every step of the way, offering comfort, strength, and restoration. Lean into His love, and trust that He is writing a story of redemption in your life.
Encouragement for Moving Forward
Moving forward from the hurt caused by your parents is not an easy journey, but it’s one that God can use to bring profound growth and healing. He understands the depth of your pain and walks beside you every step of the way.
As you navigate this challenging commandment, remember that God’s presence is constant, His love is unchanging, and His grace is more than enough.
Healing is a process, not an overnight transformation. There will be days when forgiveness feels impossible and honouring your parents seems out of reach.
In those moments, lean on God’s strength. “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). You don’t have to carry the weight of this alone—God’s grace will sustain you when your own strength falters.
It’s also important to trust in God’s ability to redeem your story. No matter how difficult your relationship with your parents has been, God can bring good from it. As Romans 8:28 reminds us, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.”
Above all, focus on your relationship with God. The closer you draw to Him, the more clarity and peace you’ll find.
Spend time in prayer, immerse yourself in Scripture, and seek His guidance in every step. “Come near to God and He will come near to you” (James 4:8).
God’s presence is your anchor, providing the strength and wisdom you need to move forward with grace and hope.
As you take this journey, remember that you are not defined by your past or the actions of your parents. You are defined by God’s love, His grace, and His purpose for your life. Trust Him to lead you toward healing and restoration, knowing that His plans are always for your good.
Seeking Support
If the pain caused by your parents feels overwhelming, remember that you don’t have to face it alone. There are helplines and organizations, like the Samaritans (dial 116 123 in the UK), that offer free, confidential support to anyone in need. Reaching out to a trusted counsellor, pastor, or friend can also provide comfort and guidance as you navigate your journey of healing.
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